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WASHINGTON, D.C. — After a thorough 3-minute investigation, the FBI announced that the highly anticipated Epstein list had shredded itself.

The list, which had long been purported to link human trafficker Jeffrey Epstein to elites around the globe and was allegedly so damning that it threatened to bring down Hollywood, Congress, and Prince Andrew, apparently shredded itself and no one at the FBI remembered what it said.

"We have no idea how this could have happened," said spokesman Special Agent Sean Kellar. "The list must have gotten up out of its file cabinet, scooted over to the paper shredder, and fed itself into it one page at a time. It's an unfortunate turn of events, but the case is now closed due to lack of evidence."

This was not the first time paper

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