WASHINGTON, D.C. - Multiple sources close to the January 6 Select Committee confirmed this week that the panel of congresspeople really just wants to date Trump. Those close to the committee members, who are spending weeks and weeks obsessing over Trump and airing criticisms of the former president, claim that every member of the committee just has a massive crush on him.

"It's obvious they want to date him, as they're constantly criticizing him," said Lionel Werner, a political analyst and certified relationship counselor. "You know how in grade school the boy who pulls a girl's pigtails just really has a crush on her? That's what's happening here. Adam Schiff and his colleagues are basically, well, pulling Trump's pigtails."

"Uh... sorry for the visual there."

Representative Alexandri

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