As I left the screening of the new film The Roses, I became aware of a young couple walking ahead of me. The woman was in tears, and it quickly became clear the themes of the film, and the struggles of Ivy and Theo Rose, had held a mirror to several issues this couple had been going through too.

The Roses is a re-imagining of the 1989 film and book of the same name, The War of the Roses, which follows a wealthy couple as their individual professional failures and successes trigger a chaotic spiral – and ultimately, the destruction of their marriage.

I empathised with the situation this young couple who had just seen the remake found themselves in – how a movie such as The Roses could turn a special evening out into something more bitter tasting.

There’s a reason why watching a group of couples at a dinner party say the nastiest, most degrading and hurtful things to their other halves can be billed as a “comedy”. We can experience a type of schadenfreude (glee at other’s discomfort) when other couples feud.

A natural reaction to interacting with others is to engage in social comparisons, even when the people we’re comparing ourselves to are fictional characters. Upward social comparisons – for example, watching a seemingly “perfect” couple who appear effortlessly in love – can trigger self-doubt in ourselves.

By contrast, the downward social comparison of watching a couple who should have it all seemingly wither in each other’s presence can make us feel better about ourselves and our own relationships.

But for downward social comparisons to be effective, people need to feel as though the flaws they’re seeing in others aren’t representative of what they are experiencing at home. This is where the series of events that propel Ivy and Theo towards destruction may feel all too familiar for some audience members.

For those who do see themselves in this film, it might leave them wondering whether it is better to cut their loses and end their relationship before it is too late.

Trapped on the battlefield of love

Unlike many romantic comedies, one thing I really liked about The Roses is that I genuinely felt Ivy and Theo loved and respected each other at the beginning of the film. They had a mutual admiration, and genuinely wanted each other to thrive and excel in their own ambitions.

These sentiments lie at the core of many successful relationships. Not only can partners help shape us into our best versions of ourselves, but the closer we feel to someone, the more we get to “"bask in the reflected glory” of their successes.

Before everything goes off the rails, Theo and Ivy want each other to succeed, and they feel proud of each other (and for their family) when they do. In many ways, they start as a masterclass in showing how important partners can be in helping us achieve our personal goals.

But then life begins to throw some curveballs, and we see this couple are missing some of the essential tools in their marital toolkit, because they failed to build the arsenal when times were good.

First, Theo suffers a profound setback in his career which shatters his own sense of who he is. When we doubt ourselves, we find it harder to focus on our partner’s positive qualities, and feel more threatened by their successes.

Ivy and Theo are both reluctant to express their concerns or worries to each another. Initially, this is out of fear of burdening the other person. But later, they hold back out of an assumption that their partner is unwilling or unable to give them what they need. Their marriage is no longer a safe haven, where they can safely lick their wounds and rebuild.

When people hold such negative views of their partner, they are more likely to internalise low points and transgressions as meaning something about who they are as well. Clear and vulnerable conversations with a partner are fundamental for restoring trust, cohesion and satisfaction.

So, the more Theo and Ivy avoid confronting what they need to see change in their relationship, the more they lock themselves into a cycle of resentment and abandonment.

Surviving stormy weather

One thing most media portrayals of romantic life seem to often get wrong is the assumption that real, genuine, uplifting love means never feeling hurt, angry, cross or frustrated. This is simply not true.

In fact, conflict can be a really healthy part of a relationship. It shines a spotlight on something that needs improving, and creates an opportunity for action through reconciliation.

But when we doubt our partner has our best intentions at heart, and when we feel badly about ourselves, we tend to pull away from them in a bid to protect our heart from future hurts, rather than risk the potential rewards of reconnecting.

Rewarding, long-lasting relationships require us to be vulnerable and responsive partners. On the red carpet, the podcasters and hosts of the evening, husband and wife team Jamie Laing and Sophie Habboo, were asking the star-studded cast what they thought the secret was to a happy marriage. While there were plenty of positive sentiments and tips, actress Belinda Bromilow suggested that we need to remember to “turn towards your partner, not away”.

I couldn’t agree more. We must resist the temptation to pull away, and instead find the courage to ask our partner for a reassuring cuddle. When life gives us lemons, we must embrace the bitterness and use those notes to make a more well-rounded concoction.

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This article is republished from The Conversation, a nonprofit, independent news organization bringing you facts and trustworthy analysis to help you make sense of our complex world. It was written by: Veronica Lamarche, University of Essex

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Veronica Lamarche's research has received funding from the Economic and Social Research Council, the British Academy, and the Royal Society.