PHOENIX, AZ - In an abandoned building somewhere in Phoenix's warehouse district, a groggy, bound Wayne Grudem reportedly came to Wednesday with a splitting headache and lacerations on his face and hands.

"What . . . what happened? Where am I?" the theologian slurred as the effects of a cocktail of powerful sedatives began to wear off. Slowly, Dr. Grudem began recalling men in ski masks jumping him as he was taking out the trash roughly two weeks prior.

"This . . . my evil twin did this . . . I know it," he reportedly muttered as he spotted a note on the floor next to him, sitting on top of a charging iPhone.

"Might want to check the Town Hall column that's open in the Chrome browser," the ominous letter read. "Your brother, Payne."

Loosening the ropes around his hands and feet, Gr

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