KENILWORTH, Ill. — Local metalhead Travis Garnette was dejected after failing to scare unsuspecting suburbanites while wandering around Lovelace Park earlier this week, unshaken witnesses state.

“Back in the day, a guy like me would walk into a 7-Eleven with just an Iron Maiden shirt and families would clutch their children,” said Garnette, tugging at his spiked choker collar. “Now I’m out here wearing corpse paint, a leather trench coat with a pentagram spraypainted on it, and loudly playing Hellripper from my phone. Then this Costco mom asks me to watch her kids while she runs to the bathroom. It’s like Satanism doesn’t even register anymore. Meanwhile, this black family opens a picnic basket and everyone starts calling the cops. They are so lucky!”

Observers say park security was floo

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