CAMBRIDGE — Following years of painstaking study about the nature of the afterlife for those who do not go to Heaven, theologians have confirmed that Hell is a nightclub where you keep yelling that you want to go home but your friends can't hear you over how loud the DJ is playing Nicki Minaj for all eternity.

An exegetical study of biblical texts led scholars to determine that the final destination of all those who are not in Christ will, in fact, eternally replicate the experience of going out with your friends to an oppressively loud nightclub where you and your friends are all shouting at each other without anyone understanding what is being said.

"It's a frightening discovery," said Professor Blake Rumsey of the Theology Department at the University of Cambridge. "Where Hell was onc

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