Some people only double-mask. These people want grandma to die. Others triple-mask. These people only kind of want grandma to die. But you are a good and virtuous citizen, so you came to this article to find out how you can be even more righteous than those lame double-maskers and triple-maskers. Here are seven great ways you can stay safe, brought to you by SCIENCE!

1. Wear 749 masks. This is literally 746 times safer than triple-masking. We did the math. It's SCIENCE.

2. Tie a plastic bag around your head. Now, the virus has no host it can infect because you are no longer breathing, because you are now dead. SCIENCE!

3. Bury your head in the ground like an ostrich. Take a cue from nature, and also SCIENCE. Ostriches have been doing this for thousands of years and as far as w

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