GAZA — The Gaza Health Ministry announced that Israeli soldiers killed eight billion innocent women, children and puppies today during the rescue operation where four hostages were freed.

"With the battle having ended twelve seconds ago, we can now confirm that exactly eight billion people are dead," said Gaza Health Ministry spokesman Ismail al-Thawabta. "They were all of course civilians, we've never seen such carnage, the hospital is overwhelmed, et cetera, you guys know the drill."

According to sources inside Gaza, the hostages were doing great and enjoying a nice game of Parcheesi when the mean ol' Israeli Defense Forces showed up and started dropping thermonuclear weapons on daycares. "Hamas, of course, offered to kindly hand back the hostages and be friends, but the Israelis just

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