Maxim Elramsisy, Shutterstock.com

Now that Kash Patel has been officially confirmed as the new director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation, he's rolling out a new list of top priorities for the agency to focus on moving forward.

Through intricate back channels, The Babylon Bee has obtained the following list of priorities for the FBI under Kash Patel:

Determine how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop: Previous testimony from an owl has been proven to be falsified.

Locating the lost Sankara Stones: A mystery that holds great cultural significance to Patel's people.

Find out why aliens seem to only abduct drunk hillbillies: What are they hiding?

Investigate why kids love the taste of Cinnamon Toast Crunch: No law enforcement organization has been will

See Full Page