HOUSTON, TX - After overhearing a pair of Christians discuss 2 Timothy 2:15 in a local coffee shop, pastor and teacher Joel Osteen reportedly discovered for the first time the concept of "rightly dividing the Word of truth." Inspired by this newfound revelation of how ministers and lay believers alike are to approach the Scriptures, the Lakewood pastor reportedly retrieved a pair of shears and a Bible from his briefcase to try it out for himself.

"Let me just try this - ow! Shoot!" patrons at the cafe heard him exclaim. Shortly thereafter, Osteen was rushed to the hospital with multiple lacerations to his hand and forearm.

The best the minister could piece together, he had attempted to use the shears to rightly divide the Bible he happened to have in his briefcase, and had somehow mangle

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