NEW YORK, NY — Pfizer has announced the launch of a new breakthrough treatment for depression, Thorovil, a pharmaceutical that consists of a heavy metal head mounted at a right angle at the end of a handle. Patients prescribed Thorovil can use the object to smash their cell phones into tiny pieces, instantly curing all depression.

"We found that when patients smashed their smartphones into tiny bits with a claw hammer, 100% of them saw an immediate and lasting decrease in depression symptoms," said Pfizer researcher Fritz Von Schlegelsteinhausen. "We don't yet understand the connection between smashing your phone and being instantly cured of depression, but you can't argue with those results."

Thorovil has already been authorized by the FDA and has been approved for all ages. It's curren

See Full Page