WASHINGTON, D.C. - A sorrowful President Biden expressed deep sadness over the horrific tragedy consuming Afghanistan, wishing only that there was something the President of the United States could have possibly done.

"I've been wracking my brain for hours, ever since I beat Rainbow Road, trying to think of something, anything, that the President could have done," said President Biden. "It is such a helpless feeling, ya know? Sitting there, just watching ruthless terrorists murder people we promised to help. I got this message from a general saying people who helped interpret for our soldiers were going to be executed and I thought - wow, that's so sad! Why are you bumming me out when there is nothing I can do about this?"

In a surprising move given his high character and decency, Presid

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