WASHINGTON, D.C. - America's heroic lawmakers have managed to come together and pass a stimulus package to save the world from the effects of the coronavirus. A grateful country full of very stimulated Americans is applauding the lifesaving efforts of Congress. Already, experts are predicting the stimulus package will save the lives of at least 85,000 government programs. Sources say that with a little congressional money laundering, that figure could even double.

"We believe that every government program's life is infinitely precious and is made in the image of its lobbyist," said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. "We know that if spending two trillion dollars saves the life of at least one beautiful and valuable government program, it is worth it." Scores of grateful government program direct

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