HOUSTON, TX - The Texas Department of State Health Services has issued an order to Joel Osteen, bestselling author and pastor of Lakewood Church, to acquire a butcher's license in order to continue handling Scripture.

The department's Meat Safety Assurance Unit was tipped off to a potential violation of the state's health code, which prohibits individuals from butchering and mangling poultry, meats, and biblical passages for the public's consumption without proper training and licensing. When a health inspector then performed a surprise undercover visit to Lakewood Church, sure enough, Osteen was in fact seen brutally slaughtering several passages - including Isaiah 53:5, Jeremiah 1:5, and Psalm 46:10a - without the proper licensing.

"Really we're just crossing our T's and dotting our I'

See Full Page