U.S. — Democrats have dedicated themselves to finding a new social media platform that will agree to censor damaging stories coming about how they used other social media platforms to censor damaging stories.

"We really can't let news about us censoring citizens get out there uncensored," said Democratic Senator Chuck Schumer. "The blowback would be severe and would require escalating to Defcon 3 censorship. I'm told that's pretty bad."

After documents from inside Twitter revealed censorship of private citizens at the direction of politicians, Democrats have responded by calling for social media to censor even harder. "It's pretty clear at this point that the First Amendment was a terrible idea," said Senator Elizabeth Warren. "If you let average citizens speak, why they might embarrass

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