CHICAGO, IL — A local progressive couple sought to solve their teenage child's outburst of rebellion against their authority by grounding the teen from using any cool new pronouns for a full month.

"That's it! You're officially back to being She/Her for the next month!" father Phil Brooks said sternly. "If you want to enjoy the privileges of choosing your own pronouns, you'll have to respect the rules of this house! No more of this ‘Xe/Xer' or 'Hi/Hir' or 'Ximmity/Xe' stuff for the next 30 days, do I make myself clear?"

The couple's child, Starburst, a teenager who identifies as neither a boy nor a girl nor a human, did not receive the news of the punishment well. "That's so unfair!" Starburst shouted. "All of my friends get to use their preferred pronouns as much as they want! My friend

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