U.S. — Amid shocking leaks that showed the Department of Homeland Security colluded with tech companies to suppress speech they disagreed with, Secretary of Homeland Security Alejandro Mayorkas has doubled down, promising to suppress as much speech as it takes to preserve democracy.

"As everyone knows, democracy is when Democrats hold unlimited power, and today that sacred foundation of our country is under attack from free speech," said Mayorkas from a massive television screen being played in the town square before an assembly of glassy-eyed citizens in identical grey jumpsuits. "We will not tire of protecting our country from violent threats such as speech, opinions, people saying stuff, and bad inward thoughts that poison the mind against your benevolent overlords. I love democracy!"

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