NEW YORK, NY — Just days after being sentenced to 30 years in prison, R. Kelly walked free this morning after it came to light that he was actually one of Ghislaine Maxwell's clients, and therefore protected from any consequences of his actions.

"We are so, so sorry for the embarrassment we have caused Mr. Kelly," said lead prosecutor Dean Baker. "We remain deeply committed to protecting the identities of the powerful men who used Ms. Maxwell's services to sexually abuse minors. We apologize to Mr. Kelly for the mistake and have booked him a nice trip to a private island as recompense."

While grateful for his quick release, Mr. Kelly reportedly plans to sue the state. "Yes, I absolutely participated in the trafficking and sexual abuse of young women over decades," said Mr. Kelly in a sta

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