AS former breast-expanding hypnotherapist Zach Polanski’s Greens rise in the polls, we examine what political leaders can do for the size, lift and morale of your knockers:

Zach Polanski, Green Party – ‘Manifest Cleavage’

This man knows jugs. Like his former clients, he’ll have you close your eyes, breathe deeply and picture your cup size expanding naturally, fuelled by mindfulness, oat milk and carbon neutrality. ‘Your breasts are at one with the Earth,’ he murmurs soothingly. ‘They are rising like sea levels or ethically produced sourdough’.

Keir Starmer, Labour Party – ‘A Serious Plan for Serious Breasts’

Starmer has promised a fully-costed strategy for national uplift and vows growth is at the heart of everything he does. Yet so far his policy on boobs is 45 pages of bureaucracy fo

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