IT’S the question every straight man has asked himself: which fellow male would you have sex with if the alternative was being executed or something? Here are the least bad options.

Brad Pitt

Choosing a man universally considered to be incredibly good-looking feels less gay, although aren’t you tacitly admitting you find men attractive by choosing a hunk like Brad? It’s a philosophical conundrum that would stump Bertrand Russell, but however you look at it it’s preferable to shagging, say, Joe Pasquale.

Richard Hammond

Having spent his career being bullied by Clarkson and May, you feel Richard Hammond’s uncomplaining acceptance of victimhood would make this latest ignominy a routine event. You’re not into it, he’s not into it, but life’s a bitch, eh? The Hamster would undoubtedly agree

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