Tory measures designed to equalise north/south disparity will result in the entire British Isles being below sea-level according to a government think tank. Fears that Scotland and the Pennines would be left high and dry following the melting of the polar ice cap appear unfounded according to senior figures at number ten.Water sports, fishing and extreme cave diving will be available to the masses as the Business Secretary launches a ‘raft’ of new initiatives to bring unemployment down to zero.

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