PUGET SOUND, WA - Thousands of teachers who are out of work or on summer break are being forced to frequent playgrounds and shout their sexual preferences to random kids, as they no longer have a classroom full of captive listeners to discuss their queerness with.

"HEY KIDS! MY NAME IS MIXIE TWERKSALOT, THEY/THEM!" shouted one local teacher to a gaggle of 5-year-olds playing on the monkey bars. "I'm a polyamorous pansexual non-binary queer with a disability! CELEBRATE MY DIVERSITY!"

According to sources, the unemployed teacher was dismissed from her duties at Puget Sound Elementary for failing to teach her kindergarteners how to read "because words are weapons." She has reportedly become like a wild beast prowling around local playgrounds without a government-mandated outlet for screechi

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