You can tell a lot about a person by which character they use in Super Smash Bros.

Our team of investigative reporters spoke with several celebrities, experts, pastors, politicians, and more, all in search of an answer to the question, "So, like, who do you main in Smash Bros.?"

This is what they said.

Trump: " Donkey Kong. He has these tremendous, very large hands. Just like my large hands. Plus, he's a monkey. Monkeys are funny. Everyone says so."

John MacArthur: " Samus. In an age of feminism and compromise, Samus shows us that it's still OK to be a strong, independent man. He's great."

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: "Smash Brothers? BROTHERS?! REEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Dr. Fauci: " Dr. Mario is great, because he just chucks pills at people, forcing them to take medical treatments the

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