What do you get when you blend one-part weird yachting cap and one-part "Who did that to her hair??" pageboy cut with two-parts vomitously twee piano bopper and drown the whole thing in glugs of embarrassment sauce? You get the singular greatest trashterpiece of 1975, "Love Will Keep Us Together" by Captain and Tennille, which spent four weeks at No. 1 on the Billboard Hot 100. How did this grandest of human errors occur? There's lots of reasons, including that reliable stand-by explanation, "You had to be there, man."

Indeed, some people were there, and some of them really love this song. Anecdotal testimonials glimpsed under the song's official music video assert things like, "A great year for music," as do less-than-compelling Reddit arguments like, "Awesome song." But hear us out

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