Aries, March 21st–April 19th

And so a week that began with Lord Cameron requesting we all imagine him bent over, cheeks spread, bumhole gaping, draws to a close.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

If you reject consent, then there’s payment involved. Both internet cookies and sex.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

In Poland, Airwolf was screened under the title Big Chopper. The Professionals was The Swinging Cock Men. Charlie’s Angels was Blonde Whores on Coke.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

Of course, what you don’t know is that pets have Instagram accounts where they post from the perspective of their humans and Rufus knows you’re shagging the neighbour.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

“No, there’s not two of them. Rhys Ifans is just Welsh for Chris Evans. It’s one man.”

Virgo, August 23rd–

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