SAN ANTONIO, TX - A team of dispensational premillennialist prophecy experts has declared the official start of a previously unknown "pumpkin spice" dispensation, sources confirmed Thursday.

"The signs are clear that God's unfolding of His redemptive plan has taken yet another detour," prophecy teacher Hal Lindsey told reporters at a press conference announcing the new dispensation, accompanied by a new book to help Christians navigate the new prophetic era. "The days of the prophet Joel are upon us, complete with the signs of the times: UGG Boots, North Face jackets, and pumpkin spice lattes, candies, and baked goods."

An excitable, animated Lindsey also reported that a strange shift in the heavenly signs has formed a giant pumpkin-shaped constellation in the sky, further confirming the

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