Smartwatches have become health gadgets. Over the last five years or so, Apple, Garmin, Google, Samsung, and practically every other company wanting to strap their wares to your wrist have emphasized exercise integrations, sleep tracking, hypertension monitoring, and more. The most expensive among these devices are also satellite communicators, because now that you have a smartwatch, you are surely so active that you cannot be contained by cell towers.

These are the features that have made smartwatches successful. They're also not remotely what I'm looking for in a wearable. I want a smartwatch that tells the time. I want a watch that helps …

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