Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the How to Do It archives to share classic letters with our readers. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

I am a 45-year-old woman almost six years into a monogamous relationship with a 36-year-old man. I love him dearly and have allowed our sexual relationship to follow his guide, because he is the more vanilla, less experienced one, but I’m at the point where I don’t care if we have sex (although I want it). I just don’t get what I need from him.

And what I need is talking dirty, hair-pulling, spankings, whippings, and being tied up. I’m a bit of a masochist, so pain and restraints turn me on but are not his thing.

I’ve thought about

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