CHRISTMAS is coming, yet unaccountably all our Christmas songs fail to mention the unstinting alcohol abuse which is the hallmark of the season. That can be fixed:

‘Getting smashed for Christmas, I’ve necked a litre of Baileys’

The Chris Rea classic updated to replace all that burdensome driving with the equally happy solitary activity of getting shitfaced. Evokes the camaraderie of the season with the line ‘I take a look at the drinker next to me, he’s just the same.’ Really summons the spirit of Wetherspoons on December 14th.

‘Pissed up fine, on Goldschlager and wine’

The lyrics Cliff Richard would have written if he hadn’t been so confused he thought Christmas had something to do with God. Goldschlager, because it tastes of cinnamon, is a wonderfully festive drink and doesn’t mix at

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