PORTLAND, OR - In their continuing efforts to bring the gospel to unreached people around the world, Christian groups have announced they will be sending the first foreign missionaries to the primitive country of Portland. In order to introduce these stone-age people to the good news of Jesus, the Bible will be translated into the native Portlandian language of unhinged primal screeches.

Following the model of the Apostle Paul who became "all things to all people" to win souls for Christ, missionaries are immersing themselves in Portland's culture of wearing all black, eating nothing but soy-based vegan products, and screaming with rage at the sky at regular intervals.

"This translation was tough," said John Chesnut, CEO of Wycliffe Bible Translators. "The Portlandian language is mainly

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