Aries, March 21st–April 19th

You’d think Wilfred Owen could be more cheerful. After all we won the f**ker, didn’t we?

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

I’m on the hype train, but it’s being replaced at Rugby with a rail replacement hype bus.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

Put Rolex owners to shame by wearing six Swatches on each forearm. Now who knows the time, motherf**ker?

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

It’s funny we use the word ‘camp’ when you can’t imagine anything a flamboyant gay man would enjoy doing less.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

You left your office job, and as a parting gift they gave you the full-sized freestanding fourth floor colour photocopier.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

Nothing in the lyrics of the Monster Mash specifically link it to Halloween. You can play it at

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