FRESNO, Calif. — You expressed confusion over the band Manowar’s inability to get your girlfriend in the mood for sexual intercourse, sources report.

“I don’t get it,” you lamented. “I lit some candles and put on ‘Kings of Metal’ thinking it was a sure-fire way to get laid tonight. I even tacked the picture from the album’s liner notes of the band standing shirtless over the bed, but the only thing I got for this was a confused look and several requests to put on literally any other band. Maybe I just don’t understand women as much as I thought I did. I mean, this definitely would have worked on me. Maybe I should have sprung for a bottle of nice wine instead of a case of Red Dog, or at the very least washed my sheets.”

Your girlfriend Brenda Geedey reiterated her confusion over your act

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