ABINGTON, Mass. — Local man Mike Horrigan declared he was living an Orwellian nightmare after dropping all his expensive Apple products into a freshly used public toilet, confirmed sources who were trying not to laugh.

“Society has become a technological hellscape that the human brain hasn’t properly adapted to. We need to go back to a simpler time where people could use public restrooms and not lose nearly $2,000 worth of electronics into a clogged toilet,” said Horrigan while wrapping his hands in paper towels in preparation for reaching into the bowl. “I suppose it’s my fault at the end of the day. We’re programmed to want the newest and the best products. But the engineers in Cupertino never account for the fact some people like to wipe while standing up, so it’s very easy for their p

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