WASHINGTON — The nation’s fans of progressive metal band Dream Theater stormed the Capitol after the price of Real Dolls, a brand of life-size sex dolls, was raised as a direct result of President Donald Trump’s tariffs, sources report.

“I’ve been tolerating Trump’s meddling with the economy, but this is too far,” fan Joe Reynolds wheezed as he struggled up the Capitol steps. “I can’t just stand idly by and allow for this injustice to occur. It’s time for Americans to stand up and fight back against this tyrannical government. I have been saving up for years to purchase my first Real Doll, and now I have to move it back because the price went up a hundred bucks. If he thinks he can push us around, he’s in for a rude awakening. It’s time for us Dream Theater fans to take this country back.

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