SCOTLAND — According to reports, the homeland of William Wallace has shifted away from charging into certain death in the name of freedom to just letting their teenage daughters handle the violent rape gangs.

"I let my daughter have a knife, she can probably handle a gang of Muslim men," said local man Ewan Grant. "I would help, but my couch is really very comfortable. Plus, dealing with gangs who want to rape our daughters sounds like a lot of work."

Instead of facing mortal danger in the name of freedom like their ancestors, today's Scottish have opted to give young girls hatchets and wish them the best. "Why should I risk my life when I can throw a small girl at the problem?" said local man Marcus McIntosh. "Those Muslim gangs are pretty scary, and they're so much nicer to little girl

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