PHILADELPHIA, PA — According to sources, the city of Philadelphia is being plagued by looters stealing from liquor stores, electronics stores, and shoe stores. Reports indicate the looters are noble impoverished people just trying to find bread to feed their children.

"I'm just out here trying to feed my kids!" said 17-year-old Dontel Mayes to reporters while beating a security guard to death with a brick. "I've smashed up 7 Gamestop stores so far, and haven't found any bread for the wife and 12 kids, so I guess I have to settle for this game system and a copy of Madden 24 ."

Another group of impoverished persons expressed similar disappointment after breaking into a liquor store, murdering the shopkeeper, drinking all the alcohol, and burning the place down. "They didn't have any brea

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