LANCASTER, PA

Thousands of hipsters across the United States will be forced to shave off their beards at the end of this month after a Pennsylvania court ruled these beards a “clear violation” of a long-standing Mennonite patent.

“We took out a utility patent on these beards back in 1683 when we arrived in this country,” said Mr. Landis. “I’m glad that after more than three centuries, the government has finally done the right thing.”

Distraught hipsters were seen reluctantly shaving this week, although most were not happy about it.

“I don’t know how anyone will know I’m a hipster after this,” said local hipster and record store owner Dylan. “I really don’t like it, but at least no one will confuse me for a Mennonite anymore.”

The ancient patent includes any type of “thick facial hair

See Full Page