Recipe for Disaster is Slate’s column about what recipes get wrong—and how to fix them. If you’ve noticed a recipe annoyance, absurdity, or outright lie, file your complaint here and we will investigate!

A few summers ago, while I was visiting family in western Pennsylvania, my parents’ neighbor sauntered over and “gifted” us some garden zucchini. Some is a bit of a misstatement here; these girthy, green summer squash were straight-up monstrous. As I accepted the basketful of hulking zucchini, my arm, caught off guard by the weight, drooped to the ground with burden. I was annoyed. Our neighbor hadn’t gifted us anything, he’d encumbered us with tough, water-logged, flavorless vegetable mass. And this time of year, it’s a scene that plagues this great land—friends, neighbors,

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