COLUMBUS, OH

Columbus Blue Jackets head coach John Tortorella is known for his unconventional methods of motivating his players, most notably benching star players or publicly shaming them when they don’t perform. It seems he’s taken things to the next level with newly acquired sniper Patrik Laine.

“He had that Mennonite beard thing going on for a while there in Winnipeg, right?” said Torts. “Well, I figured I’d head on over to Holmes County and round up some Mennos to shun the young man. Maybe that’ll improve his play.”

Convincing a few Stuckets and Steiners to completely ignore Patrik Laine whenever they saw him was not an easy task.

“They asked me what he’d done to deserve a shunning and, apparently, mediocre play on the forecheck was not sufficient for a shunning,” said Torts. “The

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