ST. LOUIS — Local 43-year-old Randall Bakos spiraled into an existential crisis after spotting a bright pink container of Bubble Tape near a CVS cash register and immediately realizing that he is now the “them” the novelty gum is not intended for, confirmed sources.

“There I was about to grab a tube of Icy Hot following a routine 15 minutes of light jogging when I spotted the Bubble Tap and the commercial jingle ran through my head: ‘Six feet of bubble gum, for you, not them!’” Bakos lamented. “I was a kid then, so obviously I was the target audience, but fuck, is it morally reprehensible for me to like Bubble Tape now, at my age? Shit, I never thought I’d live to see the day to be the ‘them.’ As a side note, I’m pretty stoked that Count Chocula and Franken Berry are gonna be back on shel

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