Golden Retrievers have mastered the art of soulful stares and tail wags, but imagine if they could whip out a phone and text you. The combination of their boundless enthusiasm and questionable self control would make your notifications look like a comedy script. Here’s what you’d probably see lighting up your screen today.

1. “Hi. Hi again. Still me. Hi.”

A Golden would absolutely abuse the send button. You’d wake up to 42 “Hi” texts before you even rolled out of bed. No context, no follow up, just pure excitement that you exist.

2. “So… I licked the couch. Do we still love me?”

Confessions would roll in constantly. From sneaking food to taste testing questionable objects, your dog would overshare like a guilty toddler trying to lawyer his way out of trouble.

3. “Ball? Ball. BALL. BAL

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