How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here . It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

I’m a 20-year-old woman, and I am having a lot of trouble figuring out my sexuality.

I’ve been identifying as bi, but I have no experience dating or having sex, and I’d rather wait to have sex until I’m in a committed relationship. I have sexual fantasies that are usually BDSM-related and mostly involve women and sometimes men. The thing is, I’m not sure if I’m into women or just the BDSM part of these fantasies. And I’ve heard that fantasies don’t always match up with identity. I feel like I also actively avoid fantasizing about men, and I don’t like it when I’m attracted to them, because I’m scared it will end up being stronger than my at

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