As a culture writer whose career has not, thus far, extended to tech coverage, the only thoughts I’ve ever really had about Apple’s headquarters in Cupertino, California, are 1) “Why must I always, always know what time it is there?” and 2) “When Apple throws cocktail parties, do they serve Cupertinis?”

While I maintain that the latter is a solid idea that Tim Cook is welcome to pay me for, I never expected to find myself invited to Apple HQ in any capacity. I'm infamous among my friends and family for riding the absolute wheels off all of my devices; I never know what model of iPhone we’re on as a society; and if it weren't for the fact that my employer provides me a MacBook to blog from, I'd currently be writing this story on the blockiest, cheapest, most flame-retardant PC known to m

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