WASHINGTON, D.C. - Sporting a purple pin-striped suit and top hat while twirling a cane whimsically, President Biden announced today that he has hidden five golden crack pipes among the millions of taxpayer-funded safe smoking kits.

"That's right, my bright, young addicts," said the president while dancing a jig and drooling only slightly, "You could be one of five lucky tent city residents to get your deteriorating fingers on a crack pipe made of goldenly golden gold!"

On the streets of the nation's capital, one lucky recipient - nicknamed "Skillet" by his fellow crackheads - reportedly opened his kit to find a shimmering, golden pipe, ready for use. Dancing for joy among the tarps and cardboard, Skillet thanked Biden for helping him break free of the vicious cycle of drugs, mental illn

See Full Page