It’s 2025, we’re neck deep in the social media age, and intimately, painfully connected to countless random strangers we’ll never actually meet. We’re subjected, somewhat against our will, to what feels like every piece of horrific news available worldwide at any and every given moment. (We could just log off, but give up the endless doomscrolling, the high that comes from staring directly into the abyss, for what? Mental health? Get real, pal.)

In all seriousness, there is no realistic way to “log off.” Shutting yourself off from reality isn’t the “adult” thing to do, even if staying connected means death and destruction beamed into your eyeballs at a rate that is almost certainly inflicting long-term psychic damage.

Since disconnecting isn’t an option, we give ourselves the occasional

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