HOUSTON, TX - According to witnesses at Lakewood Church, a deranged John MacArthur bellowed, "Heeeere's Johnny!" as he chopped through Joel Osteen's office door with an ax.

MacArthur had reportedly visited Lakewood's offices to gift Osteen a full set of his commentaries, but as he wandered the corridors of the sprawling campus, he slowly began going insane, muttering something about all preaching and no dancing making Jack a dull boy.

Finally, MacArthur located a fire ax in a storage shed, later claiming the building itself seemed to have come alive, whispering to him to "get Osteen."

"Joel?" he called through the stretching hallways of Lakewood. "I'm not gonna hurt ya - I'm just gonna bash your theology in."

He spotted Osteen at the end of a passageway, and the prosperity gospel preac

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