GRAND RAPIDS, MICHIGAN

HarperCollins-owned “Christian” publisher Zondervan has recently released a totally awesome new Bible that skips all the boring parts and just includes the stuff that people actually read today.

“People don’t have time to read the minor prophets or, like, Paul’s letter to Titus these days, so we figured we’d just cut to the chase and stick to the interesting stuff,” said Zondervan President John O’Connor. “The whole thing is twenty pages and takes about an hour to read.”

The new Greatest Hits Bible also includes a guide to reading through the entire Bible in a year.

“All you have to do is read three or four words a day,” said O’Connor. “We think it’ll really appeal to folks these day whose attention span has been completely ruined by texting.”

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