CHICAGO, IL

Passengers boarding a flight from Chicago to London today felt “super safe” after the captain announced that the plane had a “99% survival rate.”

“Good evening. This is your captain speaking. The skies look clear and we’ve been cleared for take-off,” began Captain Yoder. “We’ve just got word that there’s a 99% chance you’ll survive this flight. 99 times out of a 100 we successfully take-off and land without fatality. So rest assured, only one in a hundred flights taking off from this airport result in death. Nothing to worry about.”

When word got out of the incredible 99% survival odds, thousands of passengers booked flights with that very same airline.

“Let’s see, there are 100,000 flights per day around the globe,” said eager passenger Billy Schwartzentruber. “That means

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