TORONTO, ON

After witnessing the incredible healing powers of his touch, hip-hop superstar and NBA megafan Drake has been hired by the Toronto Raptors as official team .

“It’s a new position for us. Something we picked up from our time with the Mennonites,” said Raptors Head Coach Nick Nurse. “But let me tell you, that Drake can and . He’s more than just a rapper. I mean, he’s a real talent.”

Nick Nurse says that after getting a brief court-side massage from Drake, he’s already scheduled a full one-hour treatment for later this week.

“He’s got a massage bench in his garage out in Leamington I think,” said Nurse. “Best of all, you can pay your bill in ice cream pails of freshly picked mushrooms!”

Unfortunately for the Raptors, the NBA has ordered Drake to keep his hands off during game

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