BLOOMSBURG, PA - After a rough church service outing, with 7 slide miscues, two instances of devastating microphone feedback, and an MP4 file that wouldn't start, local Calvinist man Jonathan Mitchell calmly assured the parishioners and staff of Graceway Bible Fellowship that each of his mistakes was ordained by God before the foundation of the world.

The 5-point Calvinist reclined in his sound booth chair and stroked his beard as he expounded upon the great sovereign plan of God that resulted in his myriad errors that morning.

"Oh, when I fired up the lyrics to 'A Mighty Fortress' instead of 'Rock of Ages,' you mean?" Mitchell said when the pastor confronted him about the rocky service. "The Lord Most High predestined this so-called 'mistake' to occur in eternity past. He didn't merely

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